Sunday, May 8, 2011

Wishes For My Daughters: Reflections On Being A Mother

As I stack the basket of freshly stuffed cloth diapers near the pack n play; as I listen to the older girls make paper lanterns and discuss the creep factor of Dora's talking map; as I enjoy the momentary lull of feeding, changing, and entertaining the baby, I find a rare moment of relative peace. Reflections of my 8 years of experience as a mom soon followed. I found  myself wondering, do I wish anything were different? Turns out, yes. There are many things.

In no particular order:

  • I wish the bathrooms would stay clean longer than a day.
  • I wish I didn't have to throw out entire loaves of bread because they put it back in the pantry but didn't close it.
  • I wish I never had to walk into a kitchen to see spilled milk left pooled on the floor, or cereal crushed into the kitchen tiles.
  • I wish homework helping didn't make me want to scream, and that bath times didn't end with a quarter inch of water outside the tub, still.
  • I wish I didn't have to request their help more than twice.
  • I wish I didn't waste so much energy trying to be the Ideal nutritionist, cook, maid, tutor, playmate, scheduler, teacher...
  • I wish I didn't feel so burdened by how much extra house-work they create.
  • I wish I wasn't usually too tired to enjoy them more.
  • I wish sometimes I didn't really want to sell them to Gypsies.
  • I wish I didn't waste so much energy feeling inadequate.
  • I wish I 'd never spent so much time feeling ashamed to admit these feelings

But of all the things I wish were different, there is one thing I wish will never change-

I wish my girls NEVER doubt that however mean, frustrated, exhausted, unfair or demanding I may sometimes be, I ALWAYS love them. Even when I don't. 

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